Get 'er done

I decided a couple of days ago that I need to get more stuff done at home. I have a very busy life and am out a fair bit but I need to make sure when I'm home that I'm getting stuff done. Like our second bedroom. It is still just holding stuff rather than being a nice place to be. It's such a cute little room, it gets the morning sun and it's just a nice place to be. It will eventually be Baby's room but for now we want it to be a playroom/den/guest room. We have had almost 2 years to get it finished and for some reason it is taking us forever to do it! To be fair, we have done some stuff in there. It has been painted, a new heater was installed, new curtains have been hung, a new closet was built and new wool carpet has been put in. However, we still seem to just dump stuff in there rather than keep it organized and clean. I know it's because it isn't really being used right now but I also tend to believe that it's the other way around too...if it was organized and clean then we would use it more!

Anyway, my point was that I want to get more stuff done at home. I love our place and I love spending time at home. I love having people over as much as possible. Both S and I want a home where everyone is welcome all the time. We want Baby (and ourselves) to be surrounded with love and laughter of family and friends in our home.

Maybe the fact that I sit on the couch with my laptop on my knee when I'm home has something to do with me not getting projects completed.

Hmmm

More on that first point

So, I mentioned that I didn't think that I would be a candidate for PPD (postpartum depression) but I'm becoming increasingly suspicious that I am indeed struggling with this. There. I said it. I finally admitted to my self last weekend (after a terrible meltdown on Sunday) that I'm not feeling like myself. It is so hard to admit that I might be depressed because I'm also insanely happy! I feel guilty and just plain "weird" for feeling how I feel because I am truly living my dream! It doesn't make sense....it doesn't add up.....and it's so very confusing for me. I feel incompetent and like I'm failing miserably. Logically, I know this isn't true. I know I'm doing fine as a new mom. However, logic is not really all that helpful at the moment. Anyway, I'm working on it. I know I'll get there...I'm just, as usual, being impatient with myself.

On another note, I had a terribly scary experience last Monday. Baby had just woken up from a nap and was laying on the living room floor. I laid down next to her, she smiled and then proceeded to have what looked like a seizure. Not breathing, bright red face, shaking head...it was horrifying. I was so scared but managed to somehow keep calm. I picked her up and she still wasn't taking a breath even though her eyes were open. Clear fluid started pouring out of her nose. I ripped open her onesie and her chest was not rising and falling yet so I called 911. I flipped her over my thigh while on the phone and firmly pat her back in case she was choking. Her face wasn't blue but I didn't know what else to try. She started crying finally and then got really quiet and just sat on my knee until the ambulance got to the house. The 911 operator was awesome at keeping me calm and stayed on the phone until the paramedics were at the door. 4 paramedics showed up and then 2 more a few minutes later. Only 2 stuck around though. Baby was smiling at them and clearly doing completely fine by this time. I felt only slightly embarrassed. Baby and I jumped in the back of the ambulance to go up to hospital to get checked out. S came home just as we were leaving and jumped in the car to meet us up there.

Everyone thought she had had a seizure which are apparently very common in babies. However, she hadn't had a fever or anything else that normally brings on a "normal" seizure. They took some blood (terrible experience :( ) and did an EKG and everything was normal. The doc said she was the picture of health. We hung out at the hospital for about 4 hours so they could watch her. They sent us home with a possible diagnosis of something to do with her esophagus and reflux...but they weren't convinced themselves because Baby has never had reflux and in fact has only spit up about 10 times in her entire life. So, we don't really know what caused the incident but it hasn't happened again. We go to see the doc. again in about a month just for a routine follow up.

Wow, did I mention being a mom is intense?!

On a happy note, Baby has the cutest laugh EVER and I LOVE hearing it.

I never expected this...

Motherhood is intense. It's so much more than what I thought it would be. There is so much I wasn't expecting...and so much I wasn't prepared for...

1. Postpartum depression - I never saw myself as a candidate for being at risk of PPD. I am still shocked at how intense my feelings are since giving birth to Baby. I don't think I have it "bad" but I'm definitely struggling at times. It's hard.
2. How much I love Baby - I love her so much that sometimes it still takes my breath away. It is spectacular and pure.
   
3. Having to "give up" my independence - I don't dislike this so much as the intensity of a baby's needs has just surprised me somehow.
4. How sore my body still is from the pregnancy - My joints feel like an 80 year old's! (I was somewhat happy to learn that 3 new moms - a 29 year old, a 30 year old and a 40 year old - I've become acquainted with recently all reported feeling exactly the same way...phew)
5. How much a baby would change my relationship with S. - The exhaustion, coupled with the steep learning curve of new parenthood, can take its toll...I wish I had been more prepared for this.

Every day I'm learning and striving to be a better mom, a better partner and a better individual.

Wish me luck ;)

One Word

Stolen from another blog...

Hair – thick
Your Mother – missed
Your Father – young
Fav Food – dip
Dream Last Night – gym
Fav Drink – tea
What room are you in? – livingroom
Hobby – photography
Fear – death
Where were you last night? – home
Something that you aren’t – fit
Muffins – corn
Wish List Item – love
Where you grew up – bc
What you are wearing – pjs
Your Pet – different
Friends – amazing
Something you’re not wearing – disguise
Fav Store – none
Fav Color – changes
Last time you laughed – today
Your Best Friend – love
Best Place you go over and over – bed
Person who you email regularly – kyra
Fav Place to Eat – out

Rolling

Baby rolled over from her tummy to her back on Saturday. Twice. I had a rather emotionally intense weekend. Hard at times but cleansing too. Baby must have known that because she waited until both S and I were right near her (like we're ever very far....) and then rolled over and batted her lovely long eyelashes at us. We needed a positive family moment and that was a great one.

Old friends

I had the pleasure of having an old friend over for lunch last week. It has been over a year since I've seen her...maybe even 2 years? It was a long time ago. As we chatted about what we have been doing for the past year or so I was having flashbacks of the past and what was happening in my life when I was close to this person. It was an intense time in my life, lots of changes, lots of excitement, lots of tears. Lots of everything now that I think of it! I remembered long Friday nights with beer, cigarettes, burgers and talking. So much talking. I also remember dreams and plans and heartbreak and well, just about everything else. I always feel sad when I remember intense times with old friends who are no longer close to me...either because of physical distance or just drifting apart for no apparent reason. I know things change and we move forward and it's all good (blah blah blah ;) ) but I still miss the past sometimes. I miss people and places and times.

On the other hand, I also feel very fortunate when I think of those times because I'm so lucky to have met so many amazing people in my life and to have made such incredible connections. Even when those connections change or shift, I'm still so grateful they were there even if for just a short time in my life.

However, I'd still like to bottle up all those good times and friends and open it up for a swig every now and then...just for old time's sake.

If you're reading this, thanks for being my friend.