Update

It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been consumed by some training I've been taking for work (Which has inspired a yet-to-be-written post on life/work balance).

"Do this, Mama!"

Lots of other exciting things going on right now as well. Baby has started potty training herself. I have to admit that we have been SO lazy on initiating anything. We offered it once in awhile and she used it a few times but then we just didn't bother. However, she discovered some underwear in her drawer and loves wearing them so that started a conversation about how she will wear underwear when she's done wearing diapers. She asks to use the potty several times a day now - very consistently in the morning and evening. I feel like if we dedicated a day or two at home to just "get it done" she'd likely be out of diapers. But again, we've been a bit lazy about it so it's going at a slower pace. I anticipate she'll be diaper free by the end of the summer though. This seems like a HUGE milestone and the end of a big part of us caring for her physical needs!

She is continuing to blow us away with her drawing skills. Her drawings get more and more detailed. Her people now have pupils, fingers, hairstyles...it's fascinating to watch. She has known the alphabet for a long time and can count to 20 with no problem. She can even spell her name now and recognize the letters. I don't want to focus too much on "academic achievement" but at the same time I want to pay attention so she's always inspired in whatever she's doing.

She's also transitioned to her own "little bed" 99% of the time. Again, completely her own choice. She still wakes up at least once, usually twice a night but her bed is in our room so we don't have far to go to settle or comfort her. We're thinking we'll move her bed into her own room in the fall or winter if she wants. She's asked a couple times but we're not sure she's actually ready for it.

She has an awesome sense of humour and we all laugh lots together. I laughed a lot with my mom and I cherish having the same thing with my own daughter.

She's also really challenging "the rules" even though we don't really have any rules.Some days everything is a battle - which we try hard not to turn things into. We're very laid back but S pointed out the other day that she feels I'm "on Baby" a lot. I don't like being that person but I'm not sure how to deal with what seems like complete defiance sometimes. I honestly don't know what to do in those moments. No matter how many mama blogs I read I can't figure it out ;) Mostly I think she's just exerting her independence and learning so much every minute of every day.

All these things make her seem so grown up. She's just the sweetest thing and I'm grateful every day that she chose me to be her mama.

A belated Happy Mother's Day

I can't believe it's been 10 years since I said Happy Mother's Day for the last time to my mom.

10 years!?!

How the hell did that happen? I still find it almost unbelievable that she's gone...let alone gone for 10 years. I remember the last Mother's Day we spent together. She was sick but not bed-ridden sick yet. We went out for lunch and to Ikea. That might sound strange but it was something we liked to do together so it was a perfect day. I wanted to buy her a new bookshelf for her office. She wouldn't let me, saying something along the lines of "well, I'm not sure I need it." We both knew what she meant but neither of us wanted to say anything out loud. We both still had hope then.

I miss my mom pretty much every day. Really, really miss her. Sometimes I will cry out for her when I'm sad or hurting. I feel very young and vulnerable in those moments...like someone's baby. But one thing I've gotten used to about having 2 parents die way too young is that I'm not anyone's baby and haven't been for quite some time. Which makes me feel incredibly sorry for myself.

But mostly I feel bad that she got ripped off. She didn't get to become a "senior citizen". She didn't get to grow old. She didn't get to see me become a mother.

Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you.

Our little van gogh

Mama, Me, Mommy - "I is jumping"

S and I received our first homemade Mother's Day card from Baby (the writing wasn't done by her)! We have been shocked lately by how well Baby's drawing is developing. The first drawing of people she brought home a couple of months ago I threw in the recycle bin thinking that it was mistakenly sent home with her (really?! she drew that?!). A couple of days later I realized she was drawing these people whenever she had an opportunity. We have never taught her to draw anything, we've never shown her how to hold a pencil or felt and we've never directed her to draw. She does a lot of art at the daycare she goes to twice a week but I'm certain she isn't being micro managed or instructed in her art there either. She learns very quickly so she's likely watching what the older kids are doing and also appears to be quite good at it. It's super fun to watch this interest (and talent!) unfold.

Weaned

Wow, it's been a very emotionally charged month! I'm feeling a bit drained and very, very tired so I haven't felt much like sharing anything.

However, I thought I should update here with the very big, huge, somewhat surprising news that Baby weaned herself recently! I guess I knew it was coming but it was still a surprise at how uneventful it was.

Baby had only been nursing before bed and sometimes before her nap on days I wasn't at work. I knew my supply was bottoming out because she would latch on and then stop and ask for milkies. I would explain to her that I was doing my best but that I just didn't have very much milkies these days. She'd hug me and not try again.

I know some breastfeeding advocates would suggest I was part of the weaning process because I didn't offer when Baby didn't ask. Which is true, I didn't offer. So, I guess I was part of the process in that way. However, I still strongly feel like it was completely her own decision and I feel very confident and good about that.

Besides the fact that I was really feeling like I was "done" with nursing the last while it was also becoming increasingly painful and uncomfortable. The reason for this pain is a whole 'nother post but basically what happened is I got pregnant again. I think the pregnancy affected my supply along with making me incredibly sensitive. (Unfortunately, I just found out last week at 9 weeks that the baby no longer had a heartbeat...but as I said, that's a story to tell another time.) Baby weaning herself around the same time I found out I was losing another pregnancy was/is tough. However, even with that going on I still feel happy about how our nursing relationship ended.

Baby nursed for 25(ish) months. And then she just stopped one day. We didn't have a talk about it. I didn't tell her no, she couldn't have milkies anymore. She just stopped and other than asking once, sort of vaguely, a week later she hasn't asked to nurse since.

Weaning for Baby seems to have taken the same course that many things have taken for her so far. When she makes up her mind that she is done with something or starting something new or changing something, she just does it. There's no long drawn out transition, she just does it. Not a bad quality to have, I think.

So, there it is. I'm no longer a breastfeeding mother.