Marches, parades and swimming...oh my!

As I sit here listening to the rain pelting the skylight and balcony my sun drenched weekend seems so far away!

Vancouver Dyke March 2012

It was pride weekend here in sunny Vancouver. This pride celebration was different for a few reasons. For the past 9 years I've either volunteered or been on the board for the Vancouver Dyke March (there may have been one year where I wasn't involved - my memory is a bit fuzzy.) For the first time I actually marched as a participant! It was good fun. The sun was hot, the crowd was pumped and bystanders cheered us on. We even got interviewed by Xtra West. We set up our blanket in a spot of shade where we could still hear the music and spent the next 3 hours catching up with friends and crowd watching. We then spent the night at home watching the fireworks - we're fortunate to be able to enjoy them from our balcony!

The next day we were up and out to the annual pride parade. This was also a different experience for me because for the past few years I've missed most or all of the parade. Baby napped through her first one back in 2010 and then again last year. This year I had every intention of being there early to scope out a spot on the curb...in the shade! As we left the house in 26 degree weather at 11:45 I was not feeling very hopeful. We parked our car at a friend's place and hurried down towards english bay. We decided to try a spot in a park along the parade route. We found a small tree shading a lovely spot slightly above the sidewalk on the route. We quickly laid out a couple of blankets (held a spot for some friends) and managed to sit down and enjoy the entire parade in the shade! Baby loved it and other than getting a bit wiggly near the end, she was completely hypnotized by it. I enjoyed it. I haven't enjoyed the parade that much for many, many years. We finished off the festivities with a picnic dinner and a swim at second beach pool. A perfect end to a hot, sweaty, thoroughly enjoyable day.

The main reason this pride weekend was different from the last two is that Baby was engaged and able to enjoy it. She loved the music and the wigs and the balloons. I loved watching her enjoy everything. I often found myself watching her watch the parade. Her eyes were wide open and she was just taking everything in. She once again reminded me to be completely present in the moment and see things with openness and curiosity.

Thanks for the reminder, Baby! And Happy Pride!

Balance

Work/life balance. Ah, the subject of many articles, discussions, blogs and workshops. But I've never actually read or attended anything on the subject. When I first thought about having children I assumed I would take the 12 months off that we are so lucky to have up here in Canada and then our little yearling would start full time daycare at a large center. That's what working parents do, right?

Imagine my surprise when we actually started trying to make a baby that my thoughts on the subject of work/stay at home mom/daycare would change. Drastically. It suddenly felt so completely unnatural for someone else to have such a huge role in raising OUR child. Couple this with the scarcity of quality childcare in our city and S and I found ourselves in quite a quandry. WE wanted to raise our child. WE wanted to be the most influential figures in our child's life. This wasn't coming from selfishness or arrogance...we just honestly feel like we're the best people to be caring for our child. I still feel that way.

We were fortunate enough that we did indeed care for Baby exclusively for her first 2 years. Now she also attends a wonderful, amazing small (5 kids max.) home childcare 2 days a week, S is home 2 days a week and I'm home 1 day a week. It feels like a really good set up. Our caregiver is truly an amazing woman and we're so, so grateful to have found her.

I do still have fantasies of Baby having a stay at home parent though. I don't feel guilty (anymore) that she is in someone else's care for 2 days a week but I still have niggling deep rooted feelings that I wish one of us could stay home full time.

So, why doesn't one of us stay home? Good question. We (un)fortunately live in one of the most amazing, expensive cities in North America. In fact, I think it is currently THE most expensive. Both of us were born and raised here so it's hard for us to imagine living anywhere else. The cost of us owning a home here requires us both to work. We also both enjoy our jobs and my job in particular is stable, flexible, provides great benefits and it pays well. It just doesn't seem to make sense to give it up. And as I mentioned, for the most part, I really enjoy it. However, having said all that, theoretically we could do the stay at home mom thing with a few modifications to our lifestyle. We could sell our expensive 5 minutes from downtown Vancouver townhouse and buy a bigger house out in the suburbs. This would not only give us more space but one of us (likely S) could stay home full time. I don't know. This is a tough decision for me...for our family...to make.

For now, we're content with our situation. And content feels ok for now.

Update

It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been consumed by some training I've been taking for work (Which has inspired a yet-to-be-written post on life/work balance).

"Do this, Mama!"

Lots of other exciting things going on right now as well. Baby has started potty training herself. I have to admit that we have been SO lazy on initiating anything. We offered it once in awhile and she used it a few times but then we just didn't bother. However, she discovered some underwear in her drawer and loves wearing them so that started a conversation about how she will wear underwear when she's done wearing diapers. She asks to use the potty several times a day now - very consistently in the morning and evening. I feel like if we dedicated a day or two at home to just "get it done" she'd likely be out of diapers. But again, we've been a bit lazy about it so it's going at a slower pace. I anticipate she'll be diaper free by the end of the summer though. This seems like a HUGE milestone and the end of a big part of us caring for her physical needs!

She is continuing to blow us away with her drawing skills. Her drawings get more and more detailed. Her people now have pupils, fingers, hairstyles...it's fascinating to watch. She has known the alphabet for a long time and can count to 20 with no problem. She can even spell her name now and recognize the letters. I don't want to focus too much on "academic achievement" but at the same time I want to pay attention so she's always inspired in whatever she's doing.

She's also transitioned to her own "little bed" 99% of the time. Again, completely her own choice. She still wakes up at least once, usually twice a night but her bed is in our room so we don't have far to go to settle or comfort her. We're thinking we'll move her bed into her own room in the fall or winter if she wants. She's asked a couple times but we're not sure she's actually ready for it.

She has an awesome sense of humour and we all laugh lots together. I laughed a lot with my mom and I cherish having the same thing with my own daughter.

She's also really challenging "the rules" even though we don't really have any rules.Some days everything is a battle - which we try hard not to turn things into. We're very laid back but S pointed out the other day that she feels I'm "on Baby" a lot. I don't like being that person but I'm not sure how to deal with what seems like complete defiance sometimes. I honestly don't know what to do in those moments. No matter how many mama blogs I read I can't figure it out ;) Mostly I think she's just exerting her independence and learning so much every minute of every day.

All these things make her seem so grown up. She's just the sweetest thing and I'm grateful every day that she chose me to be her mama.

A belated Happy Mother's Day

I can't believe it's been 10 years since I said Happy Mother's Day for the last time to my mom.

10 years!?!

How the hell did that happen? I still find it almost unbelievable that she's gone...let alone gone for 10 years. I remember the last Mother's Day we spent together. She was sick but not bed-ridden sick yet. We went out for lunch and to Ikea. That might sound strange but it was something we liked to do together so it was a perfect day. I wanted to buy her a new bookshelf for her office. She wouldn't let me, saying something along the lines of "well, I'm not sure I need it." We both knew what she meant but neither of us wanted to say anything out loud. We both still had hope then.

I miss my mom pretty much every day. Really, really miss her. Sometimes I will cry out for her when I'm sad or hurting. I feel very young and vulnerable in those moments...like someone's baby. But one thing I've gotten used to about having 2 parents die way too young is that I'm not anyone's baby and haven't been for quite some time. Which makes me feel incredibly sorry for myself.

But mostly I feel bad that she got ripped off. She didn't get to become a "senior citizen". She didn't get to grow old. She didn't get to see me become a mother.

Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you.