Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Death and other holiday fun

I have been SO busy these last few weeks. The only "spare" time I have is when Baby naps and since she only naps for longer than 30 minutes if I nap with her, I spend all my "spare" time sitting or laying with her while she sleeps. But, enough about that for now.....

I had a really tough Christmas this year. It was Baby's first holiday season and we really wanted it to be perfect. I don't even know what perfect looked like but it definitely wasn't the dark, heavy, sad time that we experienced.

On Christmas Eve morning, S found our older cat, Carmen, unconscious in our spare bedroom. I had gotten up right before 9 to go upstairs and feed the 2 cats. Carmen was diabetic so needs to eat at 12 hour intervals and have insulin injections twice a day. I knew immediately that something was wrong when she wasn't a) waiting at the bedroom door for me and then b) nowhere upstairs. I came downstairs and asked S if she'd look in the other room because I was terrified of what I'd find. I heard her say "no, no, Carmen" and we both thought she was gone. Then S noticed some very slight breathing so we all got dressed in 2 minutes and went to the animal ER (which is luckily about 5 minutes from our house). Carmen spent the next 30 or so hours there having seizures. The vets figured that she must have had a seizure during the night before we found her that caused permanent brain damage and that was what was causing the subsequent seizures. Her vitals and organs were all fine. We were told it was highly unlikely that the seizures would stop and that the damage was permanent. We were told that her prognosis was very poor.

And then we found out that her diabetes had likely gone into remission and her insulin likely caused the first seizure.

I still feel so guilty for not taking her in sooner to get checked out.

S had just taken her in at the end of October and everything was fine and we were told to keep with the same insulin levels and that she was doing great. However, the past couple of weeks I thought something was up. She was a bit listless, stumbled once, just didn't look right. I said to S at one point "my gut tells me that something is wrong." But we didn't take her in. Some days she seemed completely fine, playing, eating, running up and down the stairs. We figured we'd just wait until after the holidays and then take her in for a regular check up. And now I don't know how to get over this feeling that I should have saved her life. I know I took care of her and did the best I could. I know there was no way I could have known. I know all that. But that doesn't help right now. I feel like I have a lump in my throat and that it will never go away. I really miss having her around. I loved that cat.

We had to say good-bye to her on Christmas day about 4pm.

R.I.P. Carmen the Cat

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