Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Worry, worry, worry

It would appear that I've become a worrier. I don't worry by nature. As a rule, I'm actually a fairly carefree lighthearted person. But wow, becoming a parent has dug in deep and brought up some really intense worry (and some occasional obsessing too).

Mama & Baby @ 4.5mos
I seem to worry about so many small how Baby still needs prune juice and probiotics everyday to keep her regular, how she has small eczema patches on her arms and legs, how her front teeth have some decay on them (despite our lack of sugar and good dental hygiene), how she appears to have some dietary allergies and how she still can't sleep without me being right beside her (to be fair, this comes and goes and seems related to teething).

There are bigger things I worry about too. Things that seem overwhelming to me because there is nothing I can easily do to "fix" them.

I really worry about childcare. The thought of a big impersonal daycare center just sends me into fits of extreme sadness. They seem really lonely. Even with all the kids there. I can't imagine a child..a baby!...getting enough one on one attention in such a place. And for me, that is very important. And I'm so afraid of someone hurting or abusing Baby that the idea of a home daycare or a nanny scares me to no end as well. I am grateful that we won't have to make a decision until Baby is 2 but I still think about it all.the.time.

I worry about Baby being an only child. I want her to feel connected to family and friends and I want her to have a sibling to "be there" for her as she grows and for her to "be there" for that child as well. I think siblings are an important that I want for Baby. I don't worry about this one quite so much because, at this point anyway, I feel like I have some control over this and hopefully can give her a sibling without too much trouble.

I worry about her having her heart broken, about other kids making fun of her for whatever reason, about her being lonely or sad or disappointed. I worry about the state of the world and all the terrible, terrible things going on and I sometimes ask myself, how could I possibly be selfish enough to bring another human being into this world to deal with these problems?!

I worry about dying young and leaving her. Like my own mom.

Perhaps all this worry is just par for the course in being a new parent. I don't expect the worry to go away, I assume it will change and I will just worry about different things at different times.

I guess, like many things about becoming a parent, I just wasn't expecting to worry so much. I guess there was just no way I could comprehend these awesome feelings of love and my ferocious instincts to protect her until I experienced them. Maybe I should look at my worry as some sort of protection that drives me to care for Baby. I'm sure I'll have many more days and sleepless nights of worry so maybe as long as I don't let it take over my day to day life it can be just another parenting tool in my rapidly growing toolbox.

Oh, and I worry that I worry too much.

1 comment:

Air said...

Welcome to my world. Meds help. And therapy, I can haz that.