Monday, October 10, 2011


I'm writing this post as part of the Love Makes a Family Blog Carnival. The theme this month is "disappointment." I hesitated in writing on this topic because I don't want to fall into a rut of being Miss Complainy Pants on my blog. But then I changed my mind and decided, hey, why not. I've had some big disappointments in my life so I've definitely got fodder for this!

I've written in the past of dealing with birth loss. I experienced two miscarriages and one "chemical pregnancy" before getting pregnant with Baby. I'm not entirely sure that there is a difference between a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy but I've chosen to call a pregnancy that doesn't get much further than an early positive pregnancy and a slightly late period a chemical pregnancy.

I was very fortunate to get pregnant very easily when we first started trying to conceive. I got pregnant the first 3 times. Yep, apparently I am exceptionally fertile for my "advanced maternal age." This was most definitely not a disappointment. I was OVER THE MOON that I got pregnant so quickly. Miscarriage? I had never met anyone who had had one before. I thought they were rare and a result of something bad you did or some bad thing that happened to you while you were pregnant, like a fall or something. To say I was disappointed when I had 3 losses in a row is an understatement. I was disappointed, sad, angry, confused, lonely and in total despair....sometimes all at once.

My disappointment was mostly in myself. I blamed myself for not being good enough, for not being healthy enough to bring a baby into the world. I fell into a pattern of being so afraid to do anything that I became paralyzed physically and emotionally. I held my breath a lot and felt sick to my stomach often. I was also disappointed that my early experiences of pregnancy were so negative. When we first started, I had a naive view of pregnancy as being blissful and calm. I thought that once you were pregnant you got a baby in 9(ish) months. Instead, when I got pregnant 3 tries later, I was scared and paranoid through much of the first trimester (I did relax later in pregnancy and I loved being pregnant). I wish I could say that I'm glad I went through that or that it made me stronger. But it didn't. It took away a part of me that I'll never get back and I still carry the burden of those losses with me every day. I still relive the third miscarriage often.

Fast forward to this year and S and I have decided to try for a second child. We desperately don't want to have an only child. Heck, I wanted 4 kids when we first started on this journey! We've decided 2 would be a good compromise. So, away we went to start trying. Imagine my surprise when I got pregnant our second try! Really?? Seriously?! Yep, fertile myrtle is back.

Then try imagining my surprise yet again when I have a 4th miscarriage. And imagine this, I get pregnant again one try later, and have yet another "chemical pregnancy."

That brings me to a grand total of 5 losses.



All that being said I've said often (to myself and others), I do take comfort in knowing I get pregnant easily. I'm still not going to say that I'll ever get over the disappointment, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I'll take it, I guess. It *is* part of me and I do sort of like myself on the whole. And I have so many amazing things in my life that I do feel somewhat balanced between "good" and "bad." I just wish my road was a bit straighter, perhaps a bit easier and maybe not so heart wrenching. Maybe even just for a little while.

Read the next post in the carnival:


sassyshell said...

I completely understand. My history is two losses, successfull pregnancy resulting in an almost 2 year old girl, two more losses, currently 23 weeks into a successfull pregnancy.

The fear never goes away. I don't think I will ever have a pregnancy that feels easy or relaxed.

Knowing that, I do enjoy being pregnant and my experience has only strengthened my resolve to enjoy my little girl and upcoming baby as much as possible. I also wish the road could have been easier, a part of me is resentful and jealous of those who have kids, no problem. But I also know the experience has only strengthened me, as it has been so hard and made me really work to understand myself and what I want in life.

Thanks for sharing!

nellie said...

I'm rooting for you from back East. Was so happy to read that you were trying for another!