The write time

I never commit time for writing on this blog. Pretty much every post is a short stream of consciousness 'blurb' that I type out as it pops into my head (with the exception of a few 'review' or 'how to' posts I've written).

Really, you exclaim? You don't take any time to think about what you write?

Photo by Karl Woll

Oh, come on. You know it and I know it. I'm not sharing any meaningful thoughts or ideas here. I would like to but I just don't seem to have any time to write. To really write. I used to love to write. I still do. I have my degree in English literature for gosh sakes. But no, I don't take the time. I think that's more accurate....that I don't take the time. I could probably make the time if it was more important to me. Or more pressing, I should say. It's definitely important to me. I'm just so drained by the end of the day that I just don't feel like thinking very hard. I feel like being quiet and withdrawn. I like sinking into myself and turning everything off and just being.

That lasts about 15 minutes. Then my mind starts spinning at a speed of at least 100km/second and I'm solving all my current problems, researching everything I feel I need to know more about and planning for the next day. And, believe it or not, I'm truly not an "A type" personality. I'm a busy person and I'm very self motivated and passionate about everything I'm into but I'm not what most would call an "A type."

So then I'm off again and the things I'm thinking about and planning for and solving just seem more pressing and more 'worthy' of my time. And I think that's where I'm making a mistake that I'll regret if I don't remedy it soon. I need to take time for myself. To do things that feed my personal passion and self worth. Things that make me feel good. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't trade my life or days for anything in the world. I'm doing exactly what I want to do and my life is on a path that makes me very happy and excited. But I feel rushed and a bit 'ripped off' some days. There just isn't enough time in the day for everything. And I can't imagine things will go any slower when I'm back to work.

I've decided I need to take some time each day for me. Other than the 5 rushed minutes I have in the shower every morning...which is the only 'me time' I currently take right now. I'm not sure where I'm going to fit it in or how much time I'll take but even if it's 5 minutes I'm going to squeeze it in somewhere.

Wish me luck.

By the way, the above post was written with no pauses and no edits. But I'll go back now and check for spelling and unacceptable grammatical errors. I am an English major after all.

Update: There were 6 mistakes that I found worthy of editing. Not bad.

Back to work

My 18 months of maternity leave is winding down now. I am scheduled to go back to work on July 4th. I am planning on doing half days for the first week and then I've worked it out so I get every Friday off until the middle of September (I always get every second Friday off).

People tell me I'll be glad to be back. That I'll enjoy the 'adult conversation' and 'using my brain in different ways'. That it will be so fun to see Baby all excited to see me at the end of the day. That it's good for Baby's independence to be away from us. That Baby needs the social interaction. The list goes on.

I love my job, I love what I do, I get 6 weeks vacation and tons of other benefits and I have a pretty amazing employer. However, I'm sorry to admit that I'm just not looking forward to going back to work right now. My head is not in that space and my heart certainly isn't there.

I'm surprised at how strongly I feel about this. I really do feel like either me or S should be home with Baby until she starts school. Going back to work is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Unfortunately, our cost of living currently demands me to work full time and S to work her regular 6-7 months a year. I know we have it 'easier' than some....we have the luxury of S staying home for half the year. We also had the amazing luxury of me being on maternity leave for 18 months! Mamas across the border are often not nearly as fortunate as we are up here in Canada. However, childcare is very hard to find for the under 3 set. It's especially hard to find on a casual, sometimes we need full time, sometimes we don't basis. And a lot of the childcare options aren't really what we want for Baby anyway. I'm not against childcare in theory. It just doesn't feel right for us. It doesn't feel like we'd be giving Baby the best. And we want to always give our best. That's a tall order for sure but we're trying our hardest to live up to it. And this is a big one.

There are a couple of options we have looked at in achieving our goal of having one of us stay home. We could sell our place and move out to the suburbs where our mortgage would likely be significantly smaller and I could cover it myself. Or we could sell our place, move into S's family house that she inherited, pay out her brother, add a suite in the basement and hopefully I could carry the mortgage there as well. Unfortunately the suburbs isn't our first choice right now. And moving anywhere is at least a year to two away no matter what we decide to do. So, here we are. Making what feels like our first compromise in how we want to parent.

The silver lining to all this is that our wonderful, amazing, friend is going to help us out and watch Baby over the summer. This is why I'm able to not completely lose it during this transition. I'm a million times grateful and actually have no anxiety over the situation. Hopefully S will work all summer and can then take the rest of the year off and we won't have to deal with this again for awhile.