Wednesday, February 20, 2013

New Beginnings

Here I am almost 2 months into 2013 and my life is already changing in exciting (and somewhat scary) ways!

The first exciting thing that is happening is that I'm pregnant again...16 weeks today. 4 months. One month away from 1/2 way "there." It still seems odd to say that out loud. Looking down and seeing my rapidly growing belly and feeling little knocks and bubbles as this new little one dances around inside me is indeed a bit shocking to me still.

I haven't let myself fully fall in love with this little one which I feel slightly guilty about. I love the idea and I'm hopeful with every cell in my body but I'm afraid too. I've had a hard road the last year or so - with 5 losses. With all but the last one I let myself fall in love early, I day dreamed about names, made plans for my maternity leave and felt full of love for a couple of months. Of course there was fear in the back of my mind but I fell anyway...I fell hard. Losing that love was devastating - devastating to my family. Each time it happened, I felt kicked down, stomped on, betrayed and just so, so sad. The last time it happened I swore up and down I couldn't do it again. I couldn't put myself at risk, emotionally or physically, to go through that again. We decided we were done and started planning a trip to Europe for this Spring.

However, a few weeks later I realized that every time I thought about what we had decided it didn't sit right with me. It felt wrong to give up. Had I really done everything I could possibly do? What if one more try was all it took? S and I talked it over and it turned out she felt the same way. We decided to take 3 months off to work on some self care and have another crack at it. In November we had that last crack at it...and here I am 4 months pregnant with a seemingly healthy baby growing in me.

I'm glad I trusted my gut on this one. I'm glad I didn't give up. Even if I lose this baby too, I don't regret having this last chance. And if this baby is born and S, Baby and I can love him or her with all our hearts, I think I might just die of gratitude.


JustAnotherJenny said...


I can't imagine what you've been through. I'm glad you and your partner decided together to give it one more shot. :-)

Fingers crossed for a beautiful baby, and happy ending.

Nellie said...

Congratulations to you and your family! So excited to hear about Baby with their new sibling!