2013

Let's see....2013.

Wow.

It has simultaneously been one of the hardest and one of the best years of my life. It started out with the fragile hope that my early pregnancy would actually result in a real, live baby. It's ending with the fragile hope that I can overcome the post partum depression that has knocked me on my ass since our beautiful, perfect son was born in July.

And everything in between?

Lots of change and BIG THINGS in 2013.

• I went to Japan for some training for work. It is sort of a blur though. I was 20ish weeks pregnant and got a noro-virus. I hope to go back one day under more travel-friendly circumstances.
• We sold our beloved townhouse and moved across town to S's family home....big house, big yard and great vibes in the house. We're still getting settled and I often wonder if I will ever be completely settled here.
• In July, I worked my last day of work before leaving for 18 months maternity leave.
• I gave birth to a beautiful boy. We named him London. Like the city.
• My relationship with my closest friends fell apart somehow but I'm honestly not sure how or why it happened. I miss them.
• Baby started preschool three afternoons a week and is registered for kindergarten next year. We are still considering homeschooling or some sort of hybrid.

Life is very busy yet I still find myself unable to accomplish much beyond making sure we're all fed, clothed and bathed. I wish I could blog about being a super mama that does it all but in reality I just get by most days. And most days I'm just fine with that.

Kindergarten registration day!

Little One still doesn't like to be put down!

First snowman in our new yard

5 months old!

Birthday fairy is worn out...she's 4 now!

Baby, Baby!

I had a baby! I believe I may have failed to share that with y'all. Oops. 

London, 8lb 5oz, was born on July 26, 2013 at Children's Hospital after a very quick, very efficient labour and birth. He is super healthy, super cute and super loved. 

I have yet to write a proper birth story but here are some quick notes:

• I was induced at 38w 1d with a cervidil insert - worked like a charm and contractions started about 6 hours later
• Active labour only lasted about an hour or so....pushed for about 40 minutes and there he was
• I had gestational diabetes and was on 4 injections of insulin a day (my reason for choosing to birth in a hospital this time)
• I had another 2nd degree tear
• I ended up asking for an epidural....I got it 5 minutes before I started pushing 
• I seemed to be more alert and present for the physical part of this birth
• I had a midwife and doula again...and an OB and two nurses
• Nursing is going fine except for some over-supply issues
• I'm still in shock that I created another life and that he has joined our family

London at about 30 minutes old

First family photo of 4

36 weeks

I'm in the home stretch now. New baby could be here in 1-4 weeks. I guess I will need a new name to call Baby here as it could get confusing.

I have 2 days of work left as well. Everything is suddenly changing so very quickly. I'm nervous about this birth, more nervous than I was the first time around. I don't seem to have the confidence that I had with Baby's birth. Maybe I know too much this time. Too much of the negative stuff that is. The stuff that you read about that sounds unthinkable and takes your breath away if you sit and think about it too long.

This baby is measuring huge. Baby was big (9 1/2lbs) but I think this one may be even bigger. Yowza. My midwife suggested today that we get ready for sooner rather than later. Emotionally that sounds harder than the logistical stuff. We are mostly ready at home...except for moving some more furniture to the new house asap. We have baby clothes washed and put away, cloth diapers still need to be washed, car seat is ready to be installed and we have a couple of carriers. Other than pick up some lanolin I feel ready as far as "stuff." Physically I'm feeling good. The heat has been challenging and my ankles/feet are swollen all day long now. I'm getting more and more tired each day. And I'm pretty huge - measuring 40 weeks in fact. But, as I said, I feel good for the most part. Now I just need to wrap my head around the idea that we're actually going to have another child.....soon!

I made it to my 30s!

When you've dealt with birth loss in the past, every week of pregnancy can seem like a huge milestone. Making it to the "30 something" weeks is a huge milestone. I'll be 31 weeks this week. Hard to believe it's only 6 weeks until I'm considered "term." Of course, I hope this little one waits a few more weeks than that before making his or her entrance into the world.

29 weeks

Baby was born at just over 39 weeks and for some reason I have it in my head that this one will be similar. I imagine I'll be sorely disappointed if I go past 40 weeks. Not a good expectation to have! But we'll see. Most days, I'm in no hurry for this pregnancy to end. I'm still enjoying it and savouring the wiggles and kicks and the daydreams about what this little one will be like and how our lives will change once again when he or she arrives.

My last day of work is in 6 weeks as well. Another big milestone. Work is pretty exciting and very busy these days so it's with mixed feelings that I'm looking forward to being off for 18 months. I'm lucky that I love what I do. But I love being home with my kiddo even more so it's not too hard to get over the wistful feelings I have.

Lots of milestones, lots of big feelings (for everyone in our home) and lots of excitement.

24 weeks

My pregnancy is speeding along! I'm 24 weeks today and have been enjoying feeling a very active baby tumbling and kicking about inside me. S and Baby have been able to feel some kicks too. Or baby "high fives" as we've been suggesting to Baby.

So far, knock on wood, my pregnancy has been going really well. The nausea I was feeling early on disappeared quite some time ago. I've had a couple bouts of heart burn but nothing consistent or too bad (I had nasty heart burn for most of my pregnancy with Baby). I'm enjoying seeing my belly expand and round out. All the testing I've had done so far have shown a very healthy baby.

I still have a lot of anxiety about this pregnancy however. I worry that something will go wrong. Before the baby is born, during birth or that the baby will be born with something terribly wrong with it. It's hard when these thoughts take over but I can usually dispel them by just focusing on how much I love, and will continue to love, this baby no matter what happens.

S seems a bit more interested in the pregnancy. She hasn't really asked many questions or wanted to talk about it too much. It's hard on me because I feel alone sometimes but I can understand her apprehension in getting too close. I've actually found that not many people at all are showing much interest in this pregnancy. I feel bad for subsequent children as they really don't seem to get the attention that first borns do. I also realized the other day that S hasn't taken any photos of me while pregnant - not the "show me your belly" photos anyway. We've been so busy that I've forgotten as well. Hence the absence of photos here of my pregnant self! I will try and get a few so I can share and remember what I looked like at various times during the pregnancy. Even though I've been pregnant before - I've never been pregnant with this baby. This will be my last pregnancy and I want to savour it.

New Beginnings

Here I am almost 2 months into 2013 and my life is already changing in exciting (and somewhat scary) ways!

The first exciting thing that is happening is that I'm pregnant again...16 weeks today. 4 months. One month away from 1/2 way "there." It still seems odd to say that out loud. Looking down and seeing my rapidly growing belly and feeling little knocks and bubbles as this new little one dances around inside me is indeed a bit shocking to me still.

I haven't let myself fully fall in love with this little one which I feel slightly guilty about. I love the idea and I'm hopeful with every cell in my body but I'm afraid too. I've had a hard road the last year or so - with 5 losses. With all but the last one I let myself fall in love early, I day dreamed about names, made plans for my maternity leave and felt full of love for a couple of months. Of course there was fear in the back of my mind but I fell anyway...I fell hard. Losing that love was devastating - devastating to my family. Each time it happened, I felt kicked down, stomped on, betrayed and just so, so sad. The last time it happened I swore up and down I couldn't do it again. I couldn't put myself at risk, emotionally or physically, to go through that again. We decided we were done and started planning a trip to Europe for this Spring.

However, a few weeks later I realized that every time I thought about what we had decided it didn't sit right with me. It felt wrong to give up. Had I really done everything I could possibly do? What if one more try was all it took? S and I talked it over and it turned out she felt the same way. We decided to take 3 months off to work on some self care and have another crack at it. In November we had that last crack at it...and here I am 4 months pregnant with a seemingly healthy baby growing in me.

I'm glad I trusted my gut on this one. I'm glad I didn't give up. Even if I lose this baby too, I don't regret having this last chance. And if this baby is born and S, Baby and I can love him or her with all our hearts, I think I might just die of gratitude.

Happy (not so) New Year!

Oh, dear, sweet blog. Dear, sweet, lonely blog.

I'm still alive and kicking!

I'm sort of still in holiday mode from Christmas and the like. We had a busy but very nice holiday. We hosted Christmas dinner at our house again this year with S's brother and sister in law coming down from Kelowna (with sis in law's mother from Hamilton) and a couple of local friends joined us as well. It's only the 3rd time in my life I've cooked a turkey and it turned out quite good. Some went back for seconds so I'm assuming it was ok. Last year it wasn't as cooked as I would have liked but as an ex-vegetarian I only like certain meat and only if it's well, well cooked. And of course, S and Baby are vegetarian so we don't normally cook meat at home at all!

We did lots of visiting leading up to and after Christmas. We don't see our extended families as much as we'd both like (even though they live locally) so it's always nice to have time to relax and catch up.

We also had a winter solstice celebration at our house, we spent some time up at Grouse Mountain enjoying the snow and Baby went ice skating for the first time! Lots of exciting stuff.

Baby handled the busyness all in stride. She's pretty much abandoned her afternoon nap while at home unless she drifts off in the car in the late afternoon....which then equals a late night and grumpiness abounds. One bonus of no more napping is that she is back to sleeping 12-13 hours a night! Crazy but true. I think she still naps the 2 days she's at daycare but she's up so early on those days she still wants to sleep around the same time.

S and Baby both got a cold over the holidays which made for a few "fort" days at home. I wasn't sick but sometimes I find it hard to stay in and nest so it was a good reminder that we all need that connection together at home sometimes.

New Year's Eve we ended up going to VanDusen Gardens to check out the lights. It was magical and lovely though a little packed. Baby fell asleep by 7:30, S and I watched the ball drop online in Times Square and I was in bed by 10:30. Happy New Year!

And my favourite day of the holidays was Baby's 3rd birthday. 3! Three?! It's hard to believe. We rented a yoga studio and had a big crowd of friends and family and all had a blast.

All in all it was a great ending to a very challenging year. Challenging and life changing and wondrous all at the same time.

I'm looking forward to 2013 and everything it will bring into my and my family's lives!!

Another milestone

I've said this before but Baby is such a quick learner. She makes up her mind to learn or do something...and bang, she does it. And does it well and complete.

Creative use of the potty @ 18 months

I predicted she would be toilet trained by the end of summer. And she was. I'd love to take credit and share my "training" tips but really, both S and I were so lazy about it that I actually felt guilty a few times. Baby would wake in the night and say she had to go to the bathroom and we would sleepily tell her that she had a diaper on and that it would be fine. Yikes. We had no technique and didn't really think about it all that much beforehand. However, I thought I'd share what happened and what we did (or, perhaps more importantly, didn't) do.

• We were given a potty when Baby was born and we bought another one - we had one on each floor of our home and out in the open from very early on. We didn't really talk about what they were - they were often used as toy boxes.
• We offered the potty from about 18 months but Baby didn't really show that much interested so we stopped offering. She went in the small potty a handful of times between 18 months and 2 years old.
• Someone gave us a potty training book and we read it once in a while.
• Baby discovered some Dora underwear that someone had given her in her smalls drawer not long after her 2nd birthday and desperately wanted to wear them. We explained that they were for when she wasn't wearing diapers anymore. She wore them over her diaper a few times.
• The kids at her daycare were all potty trained at the time and the care giver said Baby often went in and sat on the toilet with her diaper on.
• Baby saw the underwear again this spring and decided she was done with diapers. We started putting her consistently in underwear at home - she only had 2 "accidents."
• After a couple of weeks I mentioned to our care giver that Baby was wearing underwear at home and she said to start sending her there with underwear too! We were skeptical but did it...she's only had 1 "accident" and it was when there was an assistant and we think Baby is a bit quieter around her and likely waited too long to tell her she had to go.

So there you go. Nothing too earth shattering. It has been uneventful. We do put a pull up on her at night still but she has already asked to not wear it and she's dry 99% of the time in the morning so we'll likely get a good quality waterproof cover for her mattress and be done with it.

Wow, no more diapers! Crazy!

I think part of the ease with which it happened is Baby's personality and part of it was wanting to be like the "big kids." It's amazing the influence the day care kids have on her...even with her only going 2 days a week. That influence is a whole 'nother post!

Country Girl

This past weekend, S, Baby and I decided to check out a  country fair. This particular country fair promised to have hay rides, horse shows, saddle sales, bake sales, and pony rides! This country fair was also only 20 minutes from downtown Vancouver!

This is the first year we've been to the fair as I had never actually heard of it before. Baby has been on a field trip to the Southlands Farm with the daycare group she goes to on Thursdays and Fridays but other than that we haven't really spent a lot of time in that area of the city.

The Southlands Country Fair is held in, you guessed it, Southlands. Southlands is a unique pocket in Vancouver that is chock a block full of million dollar home, sprawling estates and horses. There is a riding club and a farm to round things out. If you aren't lucky enough to pass by a trotting horse while driving through the neighbourhood the evidence of horses isn't hard to find on the roads.

We've been having amazing September weather and it was a very warm, sunny day so it was a perfect day for a fair. Baby loves animals and while she has met many real horses, she's never actually ridden one. She talked about "my pony" for 24 hours leading up to the event and was thrilled when the farm hand put her riding helmut on. She was a bit shy when first getting on the pony and wanted me to walk beside her but overall she seems to really enjoy it. Her pony was special apparently as it was the only one that had curly hair...just like Baby. It was a perfect match.

Talking About Death With a Toddler

This morning's conversation:

Baby: "My mom has really big earrings"
Me: "Yeah?"
Baby: "Yes. They have lots and lots of diamonds on them"
Me: *trying to figure out who 'mom' is*
Baby: "But they are at my mom's house"
Me: "Where does your mom live??"
Baby: *ignores my questions* "One day she gave them to me. Mommy's mom"

Ahhhhhh suddenly I get it. We had been looking at my watch while she was cuddled up on my lap before I left for work this morning. I told her that my mama had bought me the watch 11 years ago. She asked where my mama is and I tell her she's not alive anymore. She has also recently been extremely interested in looking at a photo of S and her mom that sits on the bookshelf. She seems convinced that she has met S's mom and that she knows her. (S's mom passed away in 2007.) As a result I've had to start having conversations about growing old and death. When I tell her someone is dead she usually asks why in a sad tone of voice. It's been a strange topic of conversation.

She obviously "gets" death in the most basic way - that it means someone isn't here anymore. But I'm not sure she gets that they aren't anywhere on earth. She asked me the other day in the car why people have to die. I explained that the cycle of life is that we're born, we live a happy, full life (hopefully) and then everyone dies. I think I compared it to the plant we have at home that grows flowers and then they die and then new flowers grow (this part may have been confusing...I was grasping for a simple example). I took care to emphasize that most people live a really long life and that death happens "a long time from now." That seemed to be good enough and she changed the subject.

I like and appreciate that she is asking these kinds of questions. I hope to never answer a question like this with "just because."  But it's hard. It forces me to really evaluate my own feelings on things. Big idea things. Or everyday things that I take for granted and don't give much thought to. Conversations like these are great opportunities. To learn, connect and dig deep into things. I feel like I would be missing out if I dismissed them. So, lesson #356, receive your toddlers millionth question as a gift. A gift of trust, confidence and respect.

Marches, parades and swimming...oh my!

As I sit here listening to the rain pelting the skylight and balcony my sun drenched weekend seems so far away!

Vancouver Dyke March 2012

It was pride weekend here in sunny Vancouver. This pride celebration was different for a few reasons. For the past 9 years I've either volunteered or been on the board for the Vancouver Dyke March (there may have been one year where I wasn't involved - my memory is a bit fuzzy.) For the first time I actually marched as a participant! It was good fun. The sun was hot, the crowd was pumped and bystanders cheered us on. We even got interviewed by Xtra West. We set up our blanket in a spot of shade where we could still hear the music and spent the next 3 hours catching up with friends and crowd watching. We then spent the night at home watching the fireworks - we're fortunate to be able to enjoy them from our balcony!

The next day we were up and out to the annual pride parade. This was also a different experience for me because for the past few years I've missed most or all of the parade. Baby napped through her first one back in 2010 and then again last year. This year I had every intention of being there early to scope out a spot on the curb...in the shade! As we left the house in 26 degree weather at 11:45 I was not feeling very hopeful. We parked our car at a friend's place and hurried down towards english bay. We decided to try a spot in a park along the parade route. We found a small tree shading a lovely spot slightly above the sidewalk on the route. We quickly laid out a couple of blankets (held a spot for some friends) and managed to sit down and enjoy the entire parade in the shade! Baby loved it and other than getting a bit wiggly near the end, she was completely hypnotized by it. I enjoyed it. I haven't enjoyed the parade that much for many, many years. We finished off the festivities with a picnic dinner and a swim at second beach pool. A perfect end to a hot, sweaty, thoroughly enjoyable day.

The main reason this pride weekend was different from the last two is that Baby was engaged and able to enjoy it. She loved the music and the wigs and the balloons. I loved watching her enjoy everything. I often found myself watching her watch the parade. Her eyes were wide open and she was just taking everything in. She once again reminded me to be completely present in the moment and see things with openness and curiosity.

Thanks for the reminder, Baby! And Happy Pride!

Balance

Work/life balance. Ah, the subject of many articles, discussions, blogs and workshops. But I've never actually read or attended anything on the subject. When I first thought about having children I assumed I would take the 12 months off that we are so lucky to have up here in Canada and then our little yearling would start full time daycare at a large center. That's what working parents do, right?

Imagine my surprise when we actually started trying to make a baby that my thoughts on the subject of work/stay at home mom/daycare would change. Drastically. It suddenly felt so completely unnatural for someone else to have such a huge role in raising OUR child. Couple this with the scarcity of quality childcare in our city and S and I found ourselves in quite a quandry. WE wanted to raise our child. WE wanted to be the most influential figures in our child's life. This wasn't coming from selfishness or arrogance...we just honestly feel like we're the best people to be caring for our child. I still feel that way.

We were fortunate enough that we did indeed care for Baby exclusively for her first 2 years. Now she also attends a wonderful, amazing small (5 kids max.) home childcare 2 days a week, S is home 2 days a week and I'm home 1 day a week. It feels like a really good set up. Our caregiver is truly an amazing woman and we're so, so grateful to have found her.

I do still have fantasies of Baby having a stay at home parent though. I don't feel guilty (anymore) that she is in someone else's care for 2 days a week but I still have niggling deep rooted feelings that I wish one of us could stay home full time.

So, why doesn't one of us stay home? Good question. We (un)fortunately live in one of the most amazing, expensive cities in North America. In fact, I think it is currently THE most expensive. Both of us were born and raised here so it's hard for us to imagine living anywhere else. The cost of us owning a home here requires us both to work. We also both enjoy our jobs and my job in particular is stable, flexible, provides great benefits and it pays well. It just doesn't seem to make sense to give it up. And as I mentioned, for the most part, I really enjoy it. However, having said all that, theoretically we could do the stay at home mom thing with a few modifications to our lifestyle. We could sell our expensive 5 minutes from downtown Vancouver townhouse and buy a bigger house out in the suburbs. This would not only give us more space but one of us (likely S) could stay home full time. I don't know. This is a tough decision for me...for our family...to make.

For now, we're content with our situation. And content feels ok for now.

Update

It's been awhile since I've written here. I've been consumed by some training I've been taking for work (Which has inspired a yet-to-be-written post on life/work balance).

"Do this, Mama!"

Lots of other exciting things going on right now as well. Baby has started potty training herself. I have to admit that we have been SO lazy on initiating anything. We offered it once in awhile and she used it a few times but then we just didn't bother. However, she discovered some underwear in her drawer and loves wearing them so that started a conversation about how she will wear underwear when she's done wearing diapers. She asks to use the potty several times a day now - very consistently in the morning and evening. I feel like if we dedicated a day or two at home to just "get it done" she'd likely be out of diapers. But again, we've been a bit lazy about it so it's going at a slower pace. I anticipate she'll be diaper free by the end of the summer though. This seems like a HUGE milestone and the end of a big part of us caring for her physical needs!

She is continuing to blow us away with her drawing skills. Her drawings get more and more detailed. Her people now have pupils, fingers, hairstyles...it's fascinating to watch. She has known the alphabet for a long time and can count to 20 with no problem. She can even spell her name now and recognize the letters. I don't want to focus too much on "academic achievement" but at the same time I want to pay attention so she's always inspired in whatever she's doing.

She's also transitioned to her own "little bed" 99% of the time. Again, completely her own choice. She still wakes up at least once, usually twice a night but her bed is in our room so we don't have far to go to settle or comfort her. We're thinking we'll move her bed into her own room in the fall or winter if she wants. She's asked a couple times but we're not sure she's actually ready for it.

She has an awesome sense of humour and we all laugh lots together. I laughed a lot with my mom and I cherish having the same thing with my own daughter.

She's also really challenging "the rules" even though we don't really have any rules.Some days everything is a battle - which we try hard not to turn things into. We're very laid back but S pointed out the other day that she feels I'm "on Baby" a lot. I don't like being that person but I'm not sure how to deal with what seems like complete defiance sometimes. I honestly don't know what to do in those moments. No matter how many mama blogs I read I can't figure it out ;) Mostly I think she's just exerting her independence and learning so much every minute of every day.

All these things make her seem so grown up. She's just the sweetest thing and I'm grateful every day that she chose me to be her mama.

A belated Happy Mother's Day

I can't believe it's been 10 years since I said Happy Mother's Day for the last time to my mom.

10 years!?!

How the hell did that happen? I still find it almost unbelievable that she's gone...let alone gone for 10 years. I remember the last Mother's Day we spent together. She was sick but not bed-ridden sick yet. We went out for lunch and to Ikea. That might sound strange but it was something we liked to do together so it was a perfect day. I wanted to buy her a new bookshelf for her office. She wouldn't let me, saying something along the lines of "well, I'm not sure I need it." We both knew what she meant but neither of us wanted to say anything out loud. We both still had hope then.

I miss my mom pretty much every day. Really, really miss her. Sometimes I will cry out for her when I'm sad or hurting. I feel very young and vulnerable in those moments...like someone's baby. But one thing I've gotten used to about having 2 parents die way too young is that I'm not anyone's baby and haven't been for quite some time. Which makes me feel incredibly sorry for myself.

But mostly I feel bad that she got ripped off. She didn't get to become a "senior citizen". She didn't get to grow old. She didn't get to see me become a mother.

Happy Mother's Day, mom. I love you.

Our little van gogh

Mama, Me, Mommy - "I is jumping"

S and I received our first homemade Mother's Day card from Baby (the writing wasn't done by her)! We have been shocked lately by how well Baby's drawing is developing. The first drawing of people she brought home a couple of months ago I threw in the recycle bin thinking that it was mistakenly sent home with her (really?! she drew that?!). A couple of days later I realized she was drawing these people whenever she had an opportunity. We have never taught her to draw anything, we've never shown her how to hold a pencil or felt and we've never directed her to draw. She does a lot of art at the daycare she goes to twice a week but I'm certain she isn't being micro managed or instructed in her art there either. She learns very quickly so she's likely watching what the older kids are doing and also appears to be quite good at it. It's super fun to watch this interest (and talent!) unfold.

Weaned

Wow, it's been a very emotionally charged month! I'm feeling a bit drained and very, very tired so I haven't felt much like sharing anything.

However, I thought I should update here with the very big, huge, somewhat surprising news that Baby weaned herself recently! I guess I knew it was coming but it was still a surprise at how uneventful it was.

Baby had only been nursing before bed and sometimes before her nap on days I wasn't at work. I knew my supply was bottoming out because she would latch on and then stop and ask for milkies. I would explain to her that I was doing my best but that I just didn't have very much milkies these days. She'd hug me and not try again.

I know some breastfeeding advocates would suggest I was part of the weaning process because I didn't offer when Baby didn't ask. Which is true, I didn't offer. So, I guess I was part of the process in that way. However, I still strongly feel like it was completely her own decision and I feel very confident and good about that.

Besides the fact that I was really feeling like I was "done" with nursing the last while it was also becoming increasingly painful and uncomfortable. The reason for this pain is a whole 'nother post but basically what happened is I got pregnant again. I think the pregnancy affected my supply along with making me incredibly sensitive. (Unfortunately, I just found out last week at 9 weeks that the baby no longer had a heartbeat...but as I said, that's a story to tell another time.) Baby weaning herself around the same time I found out I was losing another pregnancy was/is tough. However, even with that going on I still feel happy about how our nursing relationship ended.

Baby nursed for 25(ish) months. And then she just stopped one day. We didn't have a talk about it. I didn't tell her no, she couldn't have milkies anymore. She just stopped and other than asking once, sort of vaguely, a week later she hasn't asked to nurse since.

Weaning for Baby seems to have taken the same course that many things have taken for her so far. When she makes up her mind that she is done with something or starting something new or changing something, she just does it. There's no long drawn out transition, she just does it. Not a bad quality to have, I think.

So, there it is. I'm no longer a breastfeeding mother.

A Birth Story ( 2 years later)

I realized on Baby's birthday this year (December 30) that I have never shared my birth story here. I wrote a very timeline oriented birth story soon after she was born but I've never really spent a lot of time filling in the blanks. I've written it in my head several times over the past 2 years but I've never actually sat down and wrote (or typed) it out.

I'm sure my emotional experience and perspective of Baby's birth has changed a lot since 11:04pm December 30, 2009 but I've decided to fill in the blanks now anyway. I still feel as though it doesn't capture the moment. Maybe I'll work on it more over the years.

Here goes...it's long and possibly too graphic for some people but I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

Baby's Birth Story

We were planning a home, water birth. The home birth part was planned fairly early on in my pregnancy and the water birth part was planned during my third trimester after attending a very informative and interesting Water Birth Info Night held at our midwives' office space. By the end of the pregnancy we had 3 midwives on our birth team and a wonderful doula. We had also taken Birthing From Within prenatal classes, also at Pomegranate, facilitated by Dancing Star Birth. I had also been receiving acupuncture throughout my pregnancy from an amazing doctor. I sort of felt like we had a "dream team" set up.

We were ready! (As ready as you can be....)

I had a ton of braxton hicks contractions the weeks leading up to Baby's birth. I remember Christmas shopping at Canadian Tire one day and I had such a strong contraction that I had to sit down on a pile of auto tires and rest until the pain passed. Up until then they hadn't really been painful at all. My doula had already predicted I would give birth on December 31. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention Baby was due on January 3, 2010.

At 6:30am on December 30 I was awoken by my water breaking. It almost felt like a pop and there was no confusion about what it was. I checked the fluid and saw that it was clear. I had been told to check for meconium if my water did indeed break before labour started. I woke up S and told her that I was pretty sure my water had just broken. She was a bit surprised but we were both excited. I reminded her that I was having no contractions at all and that it might be quite some time before Baby was born. I decided to call my doula, Michelle, anyway just to let her know what was going on. When I called her house her husband told me she was at another birth so I called her cell and yes, she was at another birth that apparently was turning out to be a long labour. I told her the fluid was clear and I had no contractions so she told me she'd get her back up, Aimee, to call me and and then she'd check in with me later. S and I decided to tidy up the house a bit, get all the birth supplies ready and then try and go back to sleep to rest up. Around 9:00am I called the midwife on call, Leslie, and let her know what was going on as well. She was just leaving another birth and heading home for some sleep but said to call her later when contractions started and to keep her updated.

I woke up about 1:30pm with a sharp cramp. I didn't know if it was a contraction or not because it didn't really hurt all that much and since I'd never been in labour before I had no idea. I went upstairs and started bouncing on the exercise ball. I emailed some close friends to tell them we likely wouldn't be hosting the New Year's Eve get together as planned! I had a lot of blood streaked mucus over the next few hours and had some contractions but nothing too painful. S went out to buy some food and I continued to bounce. I think it was around 5:30pm when the contractions really kicked in. I remember having the first strong one while in the bathroom. I was terribly frightened by it. It was so....painful isn't really the word....intense. I completely felt out of control and I panicked that I couldn't stop it or escape it. It was interesting though because it felt different than when pain happens to you....this felt like I was doing something myself, yet I also felt out of control. I think I even said out loud at that point that I wasn't so sure that I could do this and that maybe I should go to the hospital. Aimee was there at that point and told me I was very safe and that we would do whatever I was comfortable with. But mostly her and S ignored my statement that I wanted to go to the hospital ;)

When filling up the birth pool in our spare room our hot water tank ran out of hot water. Aimee tried and tried to get it warm with water from the stove but it just never got there. And to be honest, I don't know that anyone could have convinced me to get down the hall and into it.

The contractions kicked into high gear pretty much immediately. I didn't have a long drawn out build up. They went from hardly painful to fall on the ground, don't you dare try and move me painful. I laboured on the floor in the bedroom while draped over the end of the bed a lot. I remember clutching a pillow and feeling like if I let go of it I would sink into a hole of pain and never be able to get out of it. I wasn't scared anymore though. I had realized that my body was doing exactly what it should be doing. I sat on the toilet a lot and threw up a couple of times. Even in the heat of the moment I knew they were likely both good signs in terms of my labour progressing. I also remember having a really silly outfit on...and I refused to take off my socks and slippers.

Our midwife, Lesley, came over at some point (my times are a bit fuzzy....sometime between 5:30 and 8:00), and she asked if I wanted to be checked. I hadn't been up to this point. I said yes because I wanted to know if my contractions were really doing anything. I was 8 1/2cm. I didn't enjoy being checked because it meant I had to lay on my back and I hated being on my back.

Not long after that I was laying on my side on the bed and I suddenly had this incredible, strong, powerful, unstoppable feeling that I HAD to push. It was quite simply one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. I don't even know how to describe it. It was perfect. My body was perfect. Leslie wanted to check me again and I was indeed 10cm.

I pushed for 3 hours. Beth, our second midwife, showed up at some point as well. I pushed laying down on my side and on my back - not very comfortable. I pushed standing up (I didn't like it but it was productive), I pushed crouching on the floor, I pushed on the toilet and laying over the end of the bed. I pushed and pushed and pushed. I was tired. I kept asking if the baby's head was out (I did this quite often over the 3 hours I was told ;) ). The midwives kept an ear on the baby's heart rate after each contraction and all along the baby was "very happy." I remember when Leslie told me she could see the head. I was SO excited. Beth kept encouraging me to feel the baby's head but I kept saying I was afraid of hurting it. I finally did though. Wow, what an amazing feeling. And it was also what I needed to give me that much needed extra push....Baby's head literally popped out to a chorus of ooooohhhhs from everyone but me. It felt good. I was asked to stop for a minute so Lesley could check the cord. Everything was fine and I pushed again to get Baby's shoulders out, which felt like nothing compared to the first pop. I expected Baby to slip out by that point and I remember being very surprised when Leslie urged me to "push out your baby's legs." One more push and out she came. I laid my head down on the bed and was so relieved. S had helped catch her and handed her to me through my legs. I held her for the first time and leaned back against S and closed my eyes. Best feeling in the world. Truly. She was crying a bit but mostly she was looking right up at me. So alert. All 9lb 7oz of her. I realized I still didn't know if Baby was a boy or a girl so I asked..."look yourself!" said Beth. A girl!!

I delivered the placenta not long after and had a few stitches, followed by a shower. It was so incredible to be in our own bed all cozy and warm. Everyone helped clean up, we had something to eat and then they tucked us in and we went to bed.

My birth team was awesome, S was amazing and Baby helped me along the entire journey. I wouldn't change anything about my experience.

Except, maybe next time I'll wear a more fashionable birthing outfit.

This Space

I have been toying with the idea of changing things up here in my little slice of the internet. Many years ago I was a very dedicated blogger - updating pretty much every day. I had a lot of regular, very supportive, readers and it was lot of fun for me to be able to stretch my creative juices in a new and exciting way.

But blogging has changed a lot since I started my "online journal" almost 12 years ago. I often wonder how people have the time to blog with such focus, detail and passion.

So, I may play around in the next few weeks with the look, the subject focus and see if I can't get a little more inspired again.

Watch this space ;)

The adventures of nursing a toddler

The theme for October's Love Makes a Family blog carnival is "Secrets." Specifically, "not the painful bad kind' but rather, "your deep dark parenting secret, the one you don’t really mention in public." And yes, I realize I'm a month late but hey, at least I wrote something, right?!

To be honest, I really couldn't think of one. I'm pretty open and honest about the way I parent. I'm not perfect but I do work very hard at upholding my core values and parenting philosophies at all times...at home and in public.

So, I thought a little harder and a little longer about what to write. And I realized that I haven't given an update on how nursing is going for Baby and I. And I know you've all been waiting with bated breath!

My secret isn't that I still nurse my almost 23 month old. I'm completely open about that and I'm very pleased (and grateful) that Baby has been able to reap the benefits of "milkies" for so long. The secret is that recently I'm really not enjoying it very much at times. Sometimes it's downright painful. I often find myself feeling resentful when Baby nurses and then I feel guilty. Most of the time I gently stop her and try and distract her or calm her to sleep. To clarify, she only nurses 2-3 times a day now and has been night weaned for about 5 months (have I mentioned she sleeps through the night quite regularly now?!). I think my supply has dipped a lot and with my cycles back in full force the "milkies" are just really sensitive and sore at certain times in my cycle. Sometimes "sensitive" and "sore" really mean "holycrapthathurtsandIcan'tstanditforlongerthan2minutes."

I have no plans to wean her at this point. I'm guessing she'll wean herself before long as she already goes 24 hours sometimes without nursing. I don't go out of my way to offer except when she has hurt herself or is really tired. And she rarely asks anymore. When we started out on our nursing journey my goal was one year at least. After we hit one year I didn't really think about a new goal. We just kept going.

I don't know how much longer I'll be ok with nursing. For now, I'm still fine with it and encourage it (I still love the bonding time and the milkie smiles, giggles and cuddles - even with all the painful times).

But I have to admit that I'm hoping she'll wean herself in the new year.

There, I said it out loud.

Travel Lessons Learned

Phew. We're back home! Just over 48 hours later than we had originally planned but we made it. A quick snow storm on the east coast took us somewhat by surprise (we were expecting it to happen after we had left) and left us stranded at LaGuardia airport in NYC for 11 hours and then back into the city for another 2 nights before we got booked on another flight. It was crazy but surprisingly, it wasn't the most challenging nor the most exciting part of our journey.

At work today I was working on preparing for facilitating a project close out meeting and was looking at the different headings we use:

• What went well?
• What didn't work?
• What what would you do differently next time?

Keeping in line with fastidious project management practices, I'll recap my travel "Lessons Learned" for you all.

Baby's first stoop in NYC

What went well?

1. Lots of things! The flights down were calm and relaxing and uneventful. We left on time and arrived on time. We made sure we had eaten before we got on the plane and timed the second flight to take off about an hour after Baby's normal nap time - so she slept on the plane.
2.  We made sure we had a fridge in every room we stayed at. We were able to request one and it was helpful to have lots of snacks available for Baby.
3. Stay where there is a pool! A swim at the end of a hectic day exploring was a nice "away from home" routine.
4. Having a rental car with Baby's car seat installed was a nice luxury after catching buses for 5 days.
5. We brought our own car seat and gate checked it with our umbrella stroller. No extra charge and it minimizes the possibility of it being damaged as checked luggage. 
6. Going with the flow in terms of nap time and the effect of the time change. We followed Baby's cues and even though it was a rough few days she was napping fairly well after that. She started napping in the stroller most days while we were out and about. We didn't force naps and didn't cancel our plans if she didn't nap. We just went on with our day.

What didn't work?

1. Baby became OBSESSED with the iPad. She asked for it every day. It was crazy. She had only played with it a couple of times before we left but by the end of our trip she could turn it on, navigate to the apps she liked and was doing puzzles, matching identical items and feeding her horse...all on her own. I guess I could argue that this was actually a "what went well" thing because it did keep her occupied when we really needed a distraction but neither S nor I liked the experience. She hasn't seen the iPad or asked for it since we've gotten home. I deleted all but 3 apps.
2. Baby didn't eat much while we were away. We resorted to giving her cheese strings a few times a day and french fries a lot just to make sure she was eating something.
3. I wouldn't take a toddler back to a big city like NYC. While we had some great fun there it really wasn't the experience we wanted. I guess I picture NYC as a city where you explore for hours, you go to museums and galleries and shopping. You dine out and drink wine. We weren't really able to do any of that with Baby so it left us frustrated and mildly annoyed. We bickered a lot.
4. Night time flights aren't a good idea - Baby cried a LOT on the way home because she was over tired, couldn't nap because we were traveling to the airport or waiting for our flight during nap time.
5. We weren't prepared for the rain or cold weather. Luckily this was only a problem for 2 days but still....next time I'd like to be more prepared.

Relaxing @ The Belvedere in NYC

What what would you do differently next time?

1. I would plan flights for a bit earlier in the day just in case we were delayed.
2. I would pack for rain and cold when traveling in the Fall or Winter. Baby got really wet and cold one day and it was entirely my fault for not packing her rain pants, boots and warmer clothes. She had a rain jacket but it was mostly useless when the rest of her was soaked.
3. I would book where we are staying every night before we left. In the past, when we are on road trips we just wing it and stay wherever we want at the last minute. This was a big mistake with Baby as we were often driving around in the dark looking for somewhere to stay in places we'd never been to before.
4. And finally, I wouldn't choose to go to a big city at all with Baby again any time soon. We were tossing around the idea of going to Western Europe in the next couple of years but I think we'll wait. For at least 3 or 4 years....maybe longer if we add another child into the mix.

I'd say our first big vacation with Baby was a success even with the "what didn't work" stuff. And now that we are pros at it....we're all ready for Vegas in March (oops, another work conference).