Stella Joy

I learned of Stella through the grapevine of online connections I have. One of those connections met this family in their queer prenatal class in Ontario. I couldn't not link to the blog Stella's moms have set up. Please send your love and support to this family. They need it.

Going Home

I wrote about some of our summer adventures awhile back. On one of these trips we went to Tofino on Vancouver Island. I not only love Tofino but I love the island in general. I was born in Victoria, moved to Vancouver when I was in grade 2 and continued to spend time every summer back in Victoria with my Grandparents, my uncle and my cousins.

Photo from the U.S. National Archives (1974)

I always feel like I'm home as I drive off the ferry in Swartz Bay. I love the energy on the island and how I feel grounded and connected when I'm there. I feel like I'm home even though my Grandparents have been gone for years and I somehow lost my connection with the cousins that I was so close to growing up. I still drive by the apartment building that my Grandparents lived in after they retired. I drive by the house I lived in on Shakespeare street and I head up the street to see Oaklands Elementary School where I attended kindergarten and grade 1 (and where the principal at the time was named Mr. Oakley). I remember learning to ride a bike on that street and falling off my bike and having to get stitches on the back of my head (I still have the scar). My brother and I used to line the street with dozens of acorns from the huge oak tree in the neighbour's yard and then "hide" as the cars would drive over them and make all sorts of cracking noise. We must have waited for hours because it wasn't a busy street. And the time my mom found a baby bird in our back yard that had fallen out of the nest and we wanted to help put it back but the mama bird kept diving at her in the yard.

Of course, all of these memories came after my first memory. The day my mom and brother told me my dad was dead and not coming home. My brother didn't want to tell me apparently. He wanted to protect me from being sad. Unfortunately, I have no memories of my dad but I remember the day I was told he was dead like it was yesterday. And I remember the day of his funeral too. My youngest cousin and I stayed home with a sitter while everyone else went. I remember playing quietly and feeling different. I don't remember feeling sad. In fact, the first time I cried and felt sad was weeks later when I suddenly realized he wasn't there and I asked my mom over and over again for him to come back. I remember my mom, brother and I all crying that night at the dinner table and hugging and I felt so close to them both because I realized it was just the three of us now.

When I drive the highways on the island now I can't help but think of my dad, my mom who passed away herself in 2002 and my brother who I haven't seen for 15 years. The island isn't where my family home is anymore. But because I don't have a family home I feel like I can claim part of the island as mine anyway.

Maybe I'll end up living on the island again and Baby will make that connection too. Or maybe Vancouver already holds that connection of home for her. Either way, I'll make sure she gets plenty of opportunities to see where her Mama is from. And I'll always go home.

(Just a Little) Patience

I had a challenging meeting at work today. There have been a series of these meetings for a project I'm helping out on and every one of them has been challenging. In some ways I look forward to the challenging part. Sometimes I actually like the high energy debates, the emotional intensity and the passion. I'll take that over "oh, it doesn't matter to me" or "whatever" any day.

However, even with my somewhat twisted fascination of confrontation I am usually exhausted by the end of the meeting and often I feel defeated and disappointed in myself. Mostly it's because I lose my temper or I was very impatient with others. I'm a quick thinker, I like to take quick (but informed) action and I like decisions to be made sooner than later. I sometimes forget that other people may not do things quite the same way.

So, after the meeting today I started thinking about how my patience and sometimes quick temper have been tested since becoming a parent. I'll start off by admitting that I have lost my patience in a bad way twice with Baby. By bad, I mean I raised my voice (ok, I yelled...loudly) at Baby. Once when she was about 7 months old and once when she was about 16 months old. I'm not proud of either incident and I actually felt physically ill after each time. I was yelled at A LOT as a child and it is very scary to be yelled at by someone who is supposed to protect and take care of you. Anyway, those were the two worst times. I wish they hadn't happened but they did. I apologized after but somehow that still doesn't seem like enough. I'm still undecided on whether an apology actually undoes anything or makes anything better.

Anyway, even though I say that losing my cool has only happened twice....what I really mean is that those were the only times I lost it outwardly in a rather dramatic fashion. I've actually lost my patience countless times and felt downright anger towards Baby. Mostly when Baby was sleeping so poorly. Being woken up in the middle of the night for the tenth time for several weeks in a row does not bring out the best in a person. Not in me at least. Even now, I sometimes get impatient with Baby when she's daudling and I'm in a rush or she wants me to sit in THIS EXACT place RIGHT NOW for the 100th time. I sigh or the tone of my voice changes. I work at not making it too apparent to Baby by muttering under my breath a lot. She doesn't seem to notice so I think I'm fairly good at hiding it.

I work hard at doing better than hiding it though. I try to be present in every situation, every interaction that I have with Baby. This helps by keeping me from thinking too far ahead about where I need to be next or what I need to be doing next thus reducing my impatience. Instead, I slow down and enjoy what I'm doing now with no expectation of the future. What is that saying...."life is what happens when you're busing making other plans"....or something like that.

I remind myself that looking at every single flower on the way to the grocery store is actually an amazing thing to do. The world is an amazing and beautiful place and I feel I'm often too busy to stop and smell the roses so to speak. Baby reminds me of this every day. She is genuinely amazed at everything she sees, feels, hears, smells, tastes, touches. She has truly been an amazing teacher for this important lesson I'm trying to remember. I'm so grateful to her for that.

One other important thing that also pops into my mind when I'm feeling particularly annoyed, angry or impatient is that I don't to treat Baby the way I was treated by my step father. I will not let another human being go through the disrespect and fear that I went through. For me, the simple thought of what I don't want to be quite often helps me be what I really want to be. A patient, respectful, gentle parent.

Now if I can just remember all that the next time I'm sitting in another annoying meeting at work I'll be golden.

Summer Holidays

S has had most of this summer off work. While not having extra money isn't the most fun, it's been great for fitting in lots of summer fun. The weather hasn't been great but we've been fortunate enough to get out and about as much as possible when it has been nice.

We visited Alice Lake a couple of times for day trips. I'd never been there before and was pleasantly surprised when we arrived to find a small lake with no boats allowed, 2 floating docks and a roped off swimming area. There is a great beach area, lots of soft grass and picnic tables/BBQ areas at the back. It's really quite lovely, a great size, and not too crowded.

I also finally convinced S to go to Golden Ears Park for a day (she thought it would be full of red necks...which it is but that shouldn't stop anyone!). It definitely has a different vibe in terms of the amount of people and all the boats around but it's quite stunning that we can drive less than 2 hours away and feel like we're in the wilderness. Gorgeous scenery, including the drive through the park to get to the lake.

We would have loved to camp at either of these lakes but they fill up so quickly that we're not likely to get a spot. Maybe next year.

We also sped up to Kelowna for a few days to visit S's brother and sister in law. It was suitably HOT and sunny and we had a very relaxing time filled with water, family and good food.

Our most recent trip was to the west coast of Vancouver Island to camp in Tofino. It is truly one of my most favourite spots in the world (that I've seen so far). It was our first camping trip with Baby. Other than the nights being a tad chilly in the tent for S and I (Baby was warm and toasty between us) and learning that a double air mattress is clearly not large enough for all three of us, we had a great time. Baby LOVED being outside so much and seemed even more content and happy than usual. Definitely a successful trip.

We hope to squeeze in another camping trip before summer is over but we're not sure where to go. Baby and I just got our new passports in the mail this week so maybe we'll head south for a couple of nights.

I feel so incredibly fortunate to live in such a beautiful part of the world.

Go play outside!