I made it to my 30s!

When you've dealt with birth loss in the past, every week of pregnancy can seem like a huge milestone. Making it to the "30 something" weeks is a huge milestone. I'll be 31 weeks this week. Hard to believe it's only 6 weeks until I'm considered "term." Of course, I hope this little one waits a few more weeks than that before making his or her entrance into the world.

29 weeks

Baby was born at just over 39 weeks and for some reason I have it in my head that this one will be similar. I imagine I'll be sorely disappointed if I go past 40 weeks. Not a good expectation to have! But we'll see. Most days, I'm in no hurry for this pregnancy to end. I'm still enjoying it and savouring the wiggles and kicks and the daydreams about what this little one will be like and how our lives will change once again when he or she arrives.

My last day of work is in 6 weeks as well. Another big milestone. Work is pretty exciting and very busy these days so it's with mixed feelings that I'm looking forward to being off for 18 months. I'm lucky that I love what I do. But I love being home with my kiddo even more so it's not too hard to get over the wistful feelings I have.

Lots of milestones, lots of big feelings (for everyone in our home) and lots of excitement.

24 weeks

My pregnancy is speeding along! I'm 24 weeks today and have been enjoying feeling a very active baby tumbling and kicking about inside me. S and Baby have been able to feel some kicks too. Or baby "high fives" as we've been suggesting to Baby.

So far, knock on wood, my pregnancy has been going really well. The nausea I was feeling early on disappeared quite some time ago. I've had a couple bouts of heart burn but nothing consistent or too bad (I had nasty heart burn for most of my pregnancy with Baby). I'm enjoying seeing my belly expand and round out. All the testing I've had done so far have shown a very healthy baby.

I still have a lot of anxiety about this pregnancy however. I worry that something will go wrong. Before the baby is born, during birth or that the baby will be born with something terribly wrong with it. It's hard when these thoughts take over but I can usually dispel them by just focusing on how much I love, and will continue to love, this baby no matter what happens.

S seems a bit more interested in the pregnancy. She hasn't really asked many questions or wanted to talk about it too much. It's hard on me because I feel alone sometimes but I can understand her apprehension in getting too close. I've actually found that not many people at all are showing much interest in this pregnancy. I feel bad for subsequent children as they really don't seem to get the attention that first borns do. I also realized the other day that S hasn't taken any photos of me while pregnant - not the "show me your belly" photos anyway. We've been so busy that I've forgotten as well. Hence the absence of photos here of my pregnant self! I will try and get a few so I can share and remember what I looked like at various times during the pregnancy. Even though I've been pregnant before - I've never been pregnant with this baby. This will be my last pregnancy and I want to savour it.

New Beginnings

Here I am almost 2 months into 2013 and my life is already changing in exciting (and somewhat scary) ways!

The first exciting thing that is happening is that I'm pregnant again...16 weeks today. 4 months. One month away from 1/2 way "there." It still seems odd to say that out loud. Looking down and seeing my rapidly growing belly and feeling little knocks and bubbles as this new little one dances around inside me is indeed a bit shocking to me still.

I haven't let myself fully fall in love with this little one which I feel slightly guilty about. I love the idea and I'm hopeful with every cell in my body but I'm afraid too. I've had a hard road the last year or so - with 5 losses. With all but the last one I let myself fall in love early, I day dreamed about names, made plans for my maternity leave and felt full of love for a couple of months. Of course there was fear in the back of my mind but I fell anyway...I fell hard. Losing that love was devastating - devastating to my family. Each time it happened, I felt kicked down, stomped on, betrayed and just so, so sad. The last time it happened I swore up and down I couldn't do it again. I couldn't put myself at risk, emotionally or physically, to go through that again. We decided we were done and started planning a trip to Europe for this Spring.

However, a few weeks later I realized that every time I thought about what we had decided it didn't sit right with me. It felt wrong to give up. Had I really done everything I could possibly do? What if one more try was all it took? S and I talked it over and it turned out she felt the same way. We decided to take 3 months off to work on some self care and have another crack at it. In November we had that last crack at it...and here I am 4 months pregnant with a seemingly healthy baby growing in me.

I'm glad I trusted my gut on this one. I'm glad I didn't give up. Even if I lose this baby too, I don't regret having this last chance. And if this baby is born and S, Baby and I can love him or her with all our hearts, I think I might just die of gratitude.

Happy (not so) New Year!

Oh, dear, sweet blog. Dear, sweet, lonely blog.

I'm still alive and kicking!

I'm sort of still in holiday mode from Christmas and the like. We had a busy but very nice holiday. We hosted Christmas dinner at our house again this year with S's brother and sister in law coming down from Kelowna (with sis in law's mother from Hamilton) and a couple of local friends joined us as well. It's only the 3rd time in my life I've cooked a turkey and it turned out quite good. Some went back for seconds so I'm assuming it was ok. Last year it wasn't as cooked as I would have liked but as an ex-vegetarian I only like certain meat and only if it's well, well cooked. And of course, S and Baby are vegetarian so we don't normally cook meat at home at all!

We did lots of visiting leading up to and after Christmas. We don't see our extended families as much as we'd both like (even though they live locally) so it's always nice to have time to relax and catch up.

We also had a winter solstice celebration at our house, we spent some time up at Grouse Mountain enjoying the snow and Baby went ice skating for the first time! Lots of exciting stuff.

Baby handled the busyness all in stride. She's pretty much abandoned her afternoon nap while at home unless she drifts off in the car in the late afternoon....which then equals a late night and grumpiness abounds. One bonus of no more napping is that she is back to sleeping 12-13 hours a night! Crazy but true. I think she still naps the 2 days she's at daycare but she's up so early on those days she still wants to sleep around the same time.

S and Baby both got a cold over the holidays which made for a few "fort" days at home. I wasn't sick but sometimes I find it hard to stay in and nest so it was a good reminder that we all need that connection together at home sometimes.

New Year's Eve we ended up going to VanDusen Gardens to check out the lights. It was magical and lovely though a little packed. Baby fell asleep by 7:30, S and I watched the ball drop online in Times Square and I was in bed by 10:30. Happy New Year!

And my favourite day of the holidays was Baby's 3rd birthday. 3! Three?! It's hard to believe. We rented a yoga studio and had a big crowd of friends and family and all had a blast.

All in all it was a great ending to a very challenging year. Challenging and life changing and wondrous all at the same time.

I'm looking forward to 2013 and everything it will bring into my and my family's lives!!