I never expected this...

Motherhood is intense. It's so much more than what I thought it would be. There is so much I wasn't expecting...and so much I wasn't prepared for...

1. Postpartum depression - I never saw myself as a candidate for being at risk of PPD. I am still shocked at how intense my feelings are since giving birth to Baby. I don't think I have it "bad" but I'm definitely struggling at times. It's hard.
2. How much I love Baby - I love her so much that sometimes it still takes my breath away. It is spectacular and pure.
   
3. Having to "give up" my independence - I don't dislike this so much as the intensity of a baby's needs has just surprised me somehow.
4. How sore my body still is from the pregnancy - My joints feel like an 80 year old's! (I was somewhat happy to learn that 3 new moms - a 29 year old, a 30 year old and a 40 year old - I've become acquainted with recently all reported feeling exactly the same way...phew)
5. How much a baby would change my relationship with S. - The exhaustion, coupled with the steep learning curve of new parenthood, can take its toll...I wish I had been more prepared for this.

Every day I'm learning and striving to be a better mom, a better partner and a better individual.

Wish me luck ;)

One Word

Stolen from another blog...

Hair – thick
Your Mother – missed
Your Father – young
Fav Food – dip
Dream Last Night – gym
Fav Drink – tea
What room are you in? – livingroom
Hobby – photography
Fear – death
Where were you last night? – home
Something that you aren’t – fit
Muffins – corn
Wish List Item – love
Where you grew up – bc
What you are wearing – pjs
Your Pet – different
Friends – amazing
Something you’re not wearing – disguise
Fav Store – none
Fav Color – changes
Last time you laughed – today
Your Best Friend – love
Best Place you go over and over – bed
Person who you email regularly – kyra
Fav Place to Eat – out

Rolling

Baby rolled over from her tummy to her back on Saturday. Twice. I had a rather emotionally intense weekend. Hard at times but cleansing too. Baby must have known that because she waited until both S and I were right near her (like we're ever very far....) and then rolled over and batted her lovely long eyelashes at us. We needed a positive family moment and that was a great one.

Old friends

I had the pleasure of having an old friend over for lunch last week. It has been over a year since I've seen her...maybe even 2 years? It was a long time ago. As we chatted about what we have been doing for the past year or so I was having flashbacks of the past and what was happening in my life when I was close to this person. It was an intense time in my life, lots of changes, lots of excitement, lots of tears. Lots of everything now that I think of it! I remembered long Friday nights with beer, cigarettes, burgers and talking. So much talking. I also remember dreams and plans and heartbreak and well, just about everything else. I always feel sad when I remember intense times with old friends who are no longer close to me...either because of physical distance or just drifting apart for no apparent reason. I know things change and we move forward and it's all good (blah blah blah ;) ) but I still miss the past sometimes. I miss people and places and times.

On the other hand, I also feel very fortunate when I think of those times because I'm so lucky to have met so many amazing people in my life and to have made such incredible connections. Even when those connections change or shift, I'm still so grateful they were there even if for just a short time in my life.

However, I'd still like to bottle up all those good times and friends and open it up for a swig every now and then...just for old time's sake.

If you're reading this, thanks for being my friend.