First Flight

In 3 sleeps we're leaving for a 2 week trip. It will be our first "big" trip as a family of 3. We're flying to Philadelphia for a conference I'm attending for work. We'll stay in Philly for 5 nights, then 4 nights on the road....somewhere....and we'll round out our trip with 3 nights in NYC before flying home from there.

Although I know this trip will be quite different from other trips S and I have taken in the past 6 years, I'm still really looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to the conference of course but also to exploring new places with Baby. I love to travel and wish I could afford to do it more often. I can't complain though as we have been very fortunate to have lots of great trips over the years.

Here are some of our travel planning items/ideas....feel free to let me know if you have more tips or tricks!

• Pack enough clothes for Baby to last 2 weeks. I don't know that we'll have access to laundry so I don't want to be short. I guess we could always do some hand washing and hanging to dry if need be.
• We've decided to do sposies for this trip. As I said above, we likely won't have access to laundry and won't have the time to find a laundry mat and sit there for a couple of hours every 2 days. I don't feel great about this decision but it's what we're doing so we'll see how it goes.
• We don't have cable TV and Baby doesn't really have any screen time at all (no laptop, iphone or dvds). I won't say she's never watched anything because we were given a few DVDs as gifts (Baby Bach and a couple of Elmo DVDs) and Baby has watched them and really enjoyed them. It's just more of a "once every 2 or 3 months" she watches one of them or a playlist on youtube with music/Elmo songs. Anyway, all that preamble is because I recently bought an ipad and have put some tv and a Peanuts movie on it for Baby to watch on the flights. After being asked what apps I had for her too (and shamefully hiding the fact that I had none...nor did I know of any) I have downloaded 3 toddler apps as well. I'm hoping between being mesmerized by the ipad, napping and playing with the super cool sticker book that S got for her that Baby will be fairly content on the flights. We didn't purchase an extra seat...she'll be on my lap most of the time I would imagine. Maybe we're crazy, maybe not...time will tell.
• We are bringing our own car seat. Even though taxis are not required to have infants or toddlers in car seats I'm just not comfortable with having her in a car without being in one. It just seems wrong to me and I don't understand the law at all. I'm also planning on insisting on gate checking the car seat along with a small umbrella stroller that we are bringing with us. Hopefully that will minimize the risk of the car seat being damaged. The car seat transport is the most stressful part of my planning so far.
• We're hoping to try and avoid over stimulation. Baby is pretty laid back and not prone to this but I know when S and I travel we tend to really pack things in. We've both agreed that we can't do this with Baby because rushing things and being overwhelmed makes all 3 of us cranky.
• Finally, I have NO idea how to deal with the 3 hour time difference. Will it even be an issue? Suggestions?

I likely won't be updating while we're away but stay tuned for photos and updates in early November!

Disappointment

I'm writing this post as part of the Love Makes a Family Blog Carnival. The theme this month is "disappointment." I hesitated in writing on this topic because I don't want to fall into a rut of being Miss Complainy Pants on my blog. But then I changed my mind and decided, hey, why not. I've had some big disappointments in my life so I've definitely got fodder for this!

I've written in the past of dealing with birth loss. I experienced two miscarriages and one "chemical pregnancy" before getting pregnant with Baby. I'm not entirely sure that there is a difference between a miscarriage and a chemical pregnancy but I've chosen to call a pregnancy that doesn't get much further than an early positive pregnancy and a slightly late period a chemical pregnancy.

I was very fortunate to get pregnant very easily when we first started trying to conceive. I got pregnant the first 3 times. Yep, apparently I am exceptionally fertile for my "advanced maternal age." This was most definitely not a disappointment. I was OVER THE MOON that I got pregnant so quickly. Miscarriage? I had never met anyone who had had one before. I thought they were rare and a result of something bad you did or some bad thing that happened to you while you were pregnant, like a fall or something. To say I was disappointed when I had 3 losses in a row is an understatement. I was disappointed, sad, angry, confused, lonely and in total despair....sometimes all at once.

My disappointment was mostly in myself. I blamed myself for not being good enough, for not being healthy enough to bring a baby into the world. I fell into a pattern of being so afraid to do anything that I became paralyzed physically and emotionally. I held my breath a lot and felt sick to my stomach often. I was also disappointed that my early experiences of pregnancy were so negative. When we first started, I had a naive view of pregnancy as being blissful and calm. I thought that once you were pregnant you got a baby in 9(ish) months. Instead, when I got pregnant 3 tries later, I was scared and paranoid through much of the first trimester (I did relax later in pregnancy and I loved being pregnant). I wish I could say that I'm glad I went through that or that it made me stronger. But it didn't. It took away a part of me that I'll never get back and I still carry the burden of those losses with me every day. I still relive the third miscarriage often.

Fast forward to this year and S and I have decided to try for a second child. We desperately don't want to have an only child. Heck, I wanted 4 kids when we first started on this journey! We've decided 2 would be a good compromise. So, away we went to start trying. Imagine my surprise when I got pregnant our second try! Really?? Seriously?! Yep, fertile myrtle is back.

Then try imagining my surprise yet again when I have a 4th miscarriage. And imagine this, I get pregnant again one try later, and have yet another "chemical pregnancy."

That brings me to a grand total of 5 losses.

Disappointed?

HELL, YES.

All that being said though....as I've said often (to myself and others), I do take comfort in knowing I get pregnant easily. I'm still not going to say that I'll ever get over the disappointment, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. But I'll take it, I guess. It *is* part of me and I do sort of like myself on the whole. And I have so many amazing things in my life that I do feel somewhat balanced between "good" and "bad." I just wish my road was a bit straighter, perhaps a bit easier and maybe not so heart wrenching. Maybe even just for a little while.

Read the next post in the carnival: http://loveinventsus.blogspot.com/2011/10/disappointment.html

Stella Joy

I learned of Stella through the grapevine of online connections I have. One of those connections met this family in their queer prenatal class in Ontario. I couldn't not link to the blog Stella's moms have set up. Please send your love and support to this family. They need it.

Going Home

I wrote about some of our summer adventures awhile back. On one of these trips we went to Tofino on Vancouver Island. I not only love Tofino but I love the island in general. I was born in Victoria, moved to Vancouver when I was in grade 2 and continued to spend time every summer back in Victoria with my Grandparents, my uncle and my cousins.

Photo from the U.S. National Archives (1974)

I always feel like I'm home as I drive off the ferry in Swartz Bay. I love the energy on the island and how I feel grounded and connected when I'm there. I feel like I'm home even though my Grandparents have been gone for years and I somehow lost my connection with the cousins that I was so close to growing up. I still drive by the apartment building that my Grandparents lived in after they retired. I drive by the house I lived in on Shakespeare street and I head up the street to see Oaklands Elementary School where I attended kindergarten and grade 1 (and where the principal at the time was named Mr. Oakley). I remember learning to ride a bike on that street and falling off my bike and having to get stitches on the back of my head (I still have the scar). My brother and I used to line the street with dozens of acorns from the huge oak tree in the neighbour's yard and then "hide" as the cars would drive over them and make all sorts of cracking noise. We must have waited for hours because it wasn't a busy street. And the time my mom found a baby bird in our back yard that had fallen out of the nest and we wanted to help put it back but the mama bird kept diving at her in the yard.

Of course, all of these memories came after my first memory. The day my mom and brother told me my dad was dead and not coming home. My brother didn't want to tell me apparently. He wanted to protect me from being sad. Unfortunately, I have no memories of my dad but I remember the day I was told he was dead like it was yesterday. And I remember the day of his funeral too. My youngest cousin and I stayed home with a sitter while everyone else went. I remember playing quietly and feeling different. I don't remember feeling sad. In fact, the first time I cried and felt sad was weeks later when I suddenly realized he wasn't there and I asked my mom over and over again for him to come back. I remember my mom, brother and I all crying that night at the dinner table and hugging and I felt so close to them both because I realized it was just the three of us now.

When I drive the highways on the island now I can't help but think of my dad, my mom who passed away herself in 2002 and my brother who I haven't seen for 15 years. The island isn't where my family home is anymore. But because I don't have a family home I feel like I can claim part of the island as mine anyway.

Maybe I'll end up living on the island again and Baby will make that connection too. Or maybe Vancouver already holds that connection of home for her. Either way, I'll make sure she gets plenty of opportunities to see where her Mama is from. And I'll always go home.