So, I mentioned that I didn't think that I would be a candidate for PPD (postpartum depression) but I'm becoming increasingly suspicious that I am indeed struggling with this. There. I said it. I finally admitted to my self last weekend (after a terrible meltdown on Sunday) that I'm not feeling like myself. It is so hard to admit that I might be depressed because I'm also insanely happy! I feel guilty and just plain "weird" for feeling how I feel because I am truly living my dream! It doesn't make sense....it doesn't add up.....and it's so very confusing for me. I feel incompetent and like I'm failing miserably. Logically, I know this isn't true. I know I'm doing fine as a new mom. However, logic is not really all that helpful at the moment. Anyway, I'm working on it. I know I'll get there...I'm just, as usual, being impatient with myself.
On another note, I had a terribly scary experience last Monday. Baby had just woken up from a nap and was laying on the living room floor. I laid down next to her, she smiled and then proceeded to have what looked like a seizure. Not breathing, bright red face, shaking head...it was horrifying. I was so scared but managed to somehow keep calm. I picked her up and she still wasn't taking a breath even though her eyes were open. Clear fluid started pouring out of her nose. I ripped open her onesie and her chest was not rising and falling yet so I called 911. I flipped her over my thigh while on the phone and firmly pat her back in case she was choking. Her face wasn't blue but I didn't know what else to try. She started crying finally and then got really quiet and just sat on my knee until the ambulance got to the house. The 911 operator was awesome at keeping me calm and stayed on the phone until the paramedics were at the door. 4 paramedics showed up and then 2 more a few minutes later. Only 2 stuck around though. Baby was smiling at them and clearly doing completely fine by this time. I felt only slightly embarrassed. Baby and I jumped in the back of the ambulance to go up to hospital to get checked out. S came home just as we were leaving and jumped in the car to meet us up there.
Everyone thought she had had a seizure which are apparently very common in babies. However, she hadn't had a fever or anything else that normally brings on a "normal" seizure. They took some blood (terrible experience :( ) and did an EKG and everything was normal. The doc said she was the picture of health. We hung out at the hospital for about 4 hours so they could watch her. They sent us home with a possible diagnosis of something to do with her esophagus and reflux...but they weren't convinced themselves because Baby has never had reflux and in fact has only spit up about 10 times in her entire life. So, we don't really know what caused the incident but it hasn't happened again. We go to see the doc. again in about a month just for a routine follow up.
Wow, did I mention being a mom is intense?!
On a happy note, Baby has the cutest laugh EVER and I LOVE hearing it.